Thread:Skyfire111/@comment-39024013-20190519102302/@comment-39024013-20190526062507

Skyfire111 wrote: Okay, I have a couple of points to make!

To start off this a really interesting idea and it seems well developed. The characters have clear personalities and I can sort of already see where you might be going with their arcs.

Now to the nitpicking part.

The prologue seems rushed. You’ve established your character, but there is a lot of information that doesn’t make sense without context. For example you mention a brother, which could probably be moved to a later chapter. Maybe just mention Sam being worried instead? You should also spread the information out more evenly, perhaps breaking up the chunk of exposition at the end a little bit? You could also mention what they mean by race...

Apart from that it is a good lead up to the next chapter, which also establishes a strong character at the start. I’d take out the part about Elven Women though, it just fills up space without really revising anything (unless it’ll be used later, that is). Also there’s no information on pass the stone but you seem to be using to show how rough the group is? You could also say what the weather is.

The narration also seems a bit inconsistent - it switches from being told purely as a stor6 to be a bit more jokey, almost as if it was being told by the grandpa still.

Spaces for different parts of dialogue (for when the heart is found)

“Have thou stolen my heart?” Fabian, didn’t say anything.

“Where is my heart, give it to me now!” Might work better as “Have you' stolen my heart?” Fabian, didn’t say anything. “Where is my heart, give it to me now!”'

No real point to the old language, plus it’ll be difficult to keep up.

”It’s in the form of a crystal, and BOW next time you speak.” Italics instead of capitals maybe?

Remove snapping and use lower cases for small boy and godly magic instead? (My grammar might be off there, sorry)

Unclear what happened when the bold started

Quotation marks for the poem

Try to break up that info dump - subtly through dialogue maybe?

Why is Adeela disliked

Done! This is really good and I look forward to seeing where you’re going with it. Just remember to avoid infodumping and use separate lines for different speakers. Hey uh question, about the narrating bit...are you saying that it changes from second person to third person? If so, could you tell me which part it happens? Thanks!