User blog:VictoriousQueen88/i'm so sorry, but goodbye

hey, world. maybe some of you noticed my absence (though I kind of doubt it). maybe you didn’t. maybe some of you don’t even care, and to be honest, i don’t blame you. it’s not a big deal.

when i first joined wikia, i was...addicted. i logged on every day, and i was so bubbly. so excited. a little bit cringey, too, though i was soon set straight and let my imagination run wild. i made friends. i made OCs. i became an admin on one wiki and a discussions mod on the other, and wow, i thought i had it all. how foolish i was. but i should’ve realized what would happen eventually. wikia took my creativity and sucked it away from me; and yes, while it helped me mature, suddenly i had no idea how to write anything that didn’t involve adding onto an already existing published series (and not even that was any good). books didn’t interest me as much; only wikia. suddenly, even my dreams involved discussion boards and profile pictures of users i’d viewed in a day. i withdrew from my family and several of my real-life friends. the second i was home from school, it was wiki time. place with no computer to type on? why, use my phone to check my notifs, of course. i’d even drop hints to my friends that i had a wiki account and wanted them to join me--but, of course, they didn’t get it. i’ve been in the freaking hospital for migraines brought on by a refusal to look at the real world--i knew that i get chronic migraines, and yet i thought that i just needed to check one more notif, one more thread, one more storyline to continue. i, however much i refused to admit it, needed out.

it got to a point where, if i was upset about something someone had done to me in real life, i’d go on a rant on wikia and watch my friends rally around me to agree, one after the other. they told me i was worth it, that i was a wonderful person who was their friend, one of the people they confided in. i had about twenty, thirty friend badges--digital things, they were, that unknowingly lied and told me that i shouldn’t leave. because i had friends, and roleplays, and OCs. i thought i was happy. i thought this was my prime.

but my parents, my sister, my friends...for over a year, i ignored them in favor of digital words, digital characters, digital stories that i thought were so grand. they worried for me and tried to take my computer away several times, but they never found out about my account. and, to tell the truth, i wish they would’ve. i was addicted. i needed to be stopped, and yes, i knew it, and thought of it often, but it didn’t work. of course, nobody on the wiki knew of my struggles; i didn’t want to reveal too much about myself. my own parents didn’t know that i was on a strange website, talking to people halfway across the country that i called my friends; i was an actress, of course, and i knew how to hide things. but i was a liar.

and then i was, finally, blissfully, stopped.

a road trip with my sister didn’t sound too world-ending, but there was no way for me to bring my computer. the internet was also quite terrible, so i couldn’t check my notifs--i’d also been hindered from my wiki usage thanks to the fact a cell tower had been blown over in a storm (or something, i don’t know what) in my town, and the WiFi was gone. i met up with some friends on my trip--we went to a state competition for a club we were in--and...and…

and oh my gods, i lived.

suddenly, my thoughts weren’t of digital characters and dead roleplays--i was going days without a constant worry, a need to live up to the standards of users who had been on a dorky forum website long before i found out about it. suddenly, my characters weren’t the first thing that came to mind when i heard their so-called “theme songs” on the radio. suddenly, a new word didn’t give me an idea for a new character from a series about dragons. suddenly, i was laughing and talking with them and it was amazing, and i realized that a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. no more wiki. no more stress and obsession. finally, i was free.

i checked my notifs when i came back from the trip to find the internet restored--a few days after the trip ended, actually, because my friends texted me, and talked to me, and we made plans to write a story together. we made new inside jokes and new, non-wiki characters for said story. we were wild and free, enjoying what little years we had left in school before we made the leap to adulthood.

and it was amazing.

and, while i must admit that not all of the wiki was bad, i just can’t live with this anymore. honestly, i don’t think i’ll ever be able to revisit FANDOM without slipping back into a black hole of obsession. so, before i leave you, i have to say goodbye. goodbye to everyone, goodbye to the only reason i still have sentimental feelings for this website.

goodbye, my friends. i love you.

them
in order of the random sequence of my friend badges. one or two users that i’ve met before, but never really exchanged friend badges with. i’m sorry if i repeat adjectives to describe these people, but my brain is tired and aching to go home, where it belongs. back to the real world.

Brightslate07: We first met on a Warriors RP thread, I believe--shipping our OCs? You were always so friendly, so creative with your characters, so ready to bring forth an interesting new roleplay or two. I hope that you keep your creativity, and your kindness, and any other amazing quality that I’ve missed--never let the flame die out, Brightslate. You were amazing.

HurricaneTheSeaWing: I met you on a thread for a roleplay that you started, and, upon noticing that the day was your wikiversary, promptly congratulated you on it and spoke with you on a few other threads afterward. Though I didn’t know you as well as other friends, I hope you’re doing well. I hope you’re always doing well.

Frostbite3636: Your account has grown cold and frozen over with a thin film of distant memories, in an ironic mocking to your name. I met you and befriended you on one of my favorite roleplay threads--Warriors: The Lost Hope, later renamed to New Moon. We had our ship, Mosstail x Suntail, and the two friends--Muffin and Buttercup, remember? You were one of the friendliest, kindest, funniest, and most wonderful users I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet. Though you left this place long before I ever had the concept to type this farewell, I hope you know how much I value you. And, really, I do. Stay wonderful for as long as you can, Frostbite. Please, stay wonderful.

Ponyo100: Oh, gods, Ponyo--you, among others, are one of the hardest goodbyes. Like with Frostbite3636, you and I met on Warriors: The Lost Hope, but we didn’t stay confined there for long. Emerald Peak was one of the most fun, most amazing roleplays I’ve ever contributed to, and the reboots were amazing as well. You were so caring, so funny, so sweet, so creative, and I loved how you drew, how you wrote, how you could color in such an amazing reference image. And when you discovered that the forums were going to disappear, you stepped right up and created a substitute so that nobody would have to stop having the fun that they came here for. You’re determined, you’re hilarious, you’re creative, you’re a friend, you’re amazing, you’re one of the best people on this wiki. And I’m so, so proud and happy for you.

Ahkia is fire: I met you on a Warriors roleplay thread that you started, and you were the reason that I created most of my Warriors OCs. You were so friendly, and you were a newer user, just as I was. You were kind, and although I lost touch with you for a few months, you bounced right back, and that lit up my world. You’re so great, Ahkia. You’re great.

Moonwatcher Beauty: We met on a thread on the Fun and Games board, though I don’t remember which one--and yet the thread itself didn’t matter, because I met you. You were so bright, so cheery, and you made everything so wonderful. We started a joke wall RP for kicks, but when that died, I lost you for almost a year. But, by chance, I was scrolling through my friend badges, and I discovered that you’d recently updated yours--and I was so happy, and you were still here, and I bounded right over to your wall to say hello. Burn and aBluSkittle were right back at it again, and some of your friends even joined us. But then that died as well, and… well, I lost you. Again. Just, please, Moon, know that you are so funny, so sweet, and you’re utterly fabulous. You are so wonderful. Please, don’t ever stop being so.

OpalFox: I met you on a roleplay known as Weak Link, which spanned about...eight, nine threads? Your character was Paradox, and she was part of the reason we became friends. Paradox and my kiddo, Pastel, befriended each other, and you and I did as well. Though I lost most contact with you for a few months, sooner or later you popped up again, and we were right back at it, laughing and talking and discussing c a l o r i e s. You are one of the most interesting, funny, kind, and astounding users I have ever, ever had the amazing pleasure to meet, no matter what anyone else says. Stay golden, OpalFox. Stay golden.

A. H. Swamp: ...Oh my goodness, Swamp. You are, in all true honesty, one of my favorite users, one of the most amazing people ever, one of the most creative, most phenomenal people I have ever come into contact with. We met on a classic superpower dragon RP, but we certainly didn’t stay there--we moved to wall RPs, to a wonderland of characters and storylines that will remain in my heart and memories forever. From Frill and Shard, to Jessamine and Zander, and Soren and Adriana, we’ve come so far, and done such amazing things. You’ve said before that think your writing isn’t good enough, but you’re gold, Swamp. You’re sweet, you’re funny, you’re loyal, you’re friendly, you’re so, so stunning, and you’re unbelievable. You left long before I began to realize that I needed to leave, but I truly and wholly believe that you’re doing well, wherever you may be right now. You’re one of the best people I’ve ever met, and you’re so, so remarkable, Swamp. Never forget that.

Slush the Mudwing: Your userpage has grown cold and derelict, your dust-covered profile picture mocking me in your absence. I met you in my early wiki days, though I lost contact with you for a few months. I could already tell that you were great, though--you were funny, you were sweet, you had that MudWing-like charm that made me want to befriend you. I’m glad, though, that I was able to wish you a wonderful life before you left, and I hope you’re going places. I hope you’re doing well, Slush.

StormSurge: I don’t know if you’re still active--I haven’t spoken to you in almost a year. I’m not even sure this is still your account. But from the moment I met you on Pyrrhian-Pantalan hybrid society, I knew you were a good person. I promise that I won’t forget you, because you’re awe-inspiring, you’re funny, you’re creative, and you’re amazing.

Hailrain/Hailflight: You’ve been gone for quite some time, though I still recall the perky Fandom User from the long-dead roleplay Darkness and Destiny. Though you were a bit confused in the beginning, and you made a few mistakes, I know that you would never let anyone down. Hope you’re doing well, pal.

CrazyInsaneGuy: I’m honestly glad you survived my early wiki cringe. You were the host of the second roleplay that I ever joined, and I was blown away by how funny you were. You were creative as well, so ready to help and so ready to do almost anything for your friends. You were one of my idols, in my early days, though I soon lost contact with you for about seven or eight months. I’m sorry about that.

TurquoiseEmber: One of the first people that I ever really knew on the wiki was a bouncy, fiery user known as TurquoiseEmber, who loved the same books I did, the same memes, the same types of roleplay, the same characters. I remember all the threads where we’d spew memes and randomness (along with Plasma, of course!) before you had to leave the WoF Wiki. I understand your having to go now--I understand it all, because it’s exactly what I have to do now. I remember Shadowshell and the Blobist threads, and I recall how amazing you are as I’m looking through my old contributions. You are creative and kind, Ember, and you’re one of the first people that I really became friends with on the wiki. You’re so, so incredible, and I hope that you get one (or more!) of your poems globally recognized someday. Goodbye, my friend--I’ll miss you.

Stardust the IceWing-RainWing: The first thing that comes to mind when I think of how to say goodbye to you is that I’m so, so sorry. At this point, you’re probably tired of hearing me drone on and on about that like a YouTube video off autoplay, but I am. I met you in about November 2018, on a Percy Jackson/Wings of Fire crossover that brought forth my fondness for an OC that I’d created a few days earlier, who would later become one of my favorites before my withdrawal from the wiki. You are sensitive and sweet, funny and creative, and so, so reliable, someone that you can depend on to create something wonderful. When you found something that you thought was needed, you’d stop at nothing to do it, like creating the AA Wiki, which is now booming to the point where there are so many amazing users I’ve never met, so many users that are building up that wonderful place, and it’s all because of you. I’m sorry that we never finished Tragedy and/or Romance, though I’m certain those two dorks would’ve eventually discovered--[insert terrible singing voice here]--that it was tRUUUUE LOOOOOVE. I won’t forget about you, I promise. I won’t, especially once you get a book published (and I have faith that you will).

Bandit the SandWing: The first roleplay that I ever joined was called Memories and Dreams--and I, being starstruck upon seeing the concept of it, submitted my short little forms for two of my five Wings of Fire OCs--my sona, Victory, and Twig, a newer character of mine. I didn’t understand a lot of the lingo and such, but I was quick to understand with the help of watching and learning from others. Bandit was the creator of this roleplay, and she was one of my very first friends. She was--and still is, and always will be--so kind and patient, so ready to create and practically bursting at the seams with her wonderful ideas. When I disappeared, she was worried out of her mind, and kind enough to let me know that she would always be there for me if I came back. I don’t deserve to have someone as caring as her as my friend. Bandit, you’re amazing and remarkable, and I will never forget you. (As for Sydney, Bee, Nugget, Sparrow, Topaz, and Ghost, I’m hoping that they’d eventually have a happy ending that may or may not involve yet another wacky shenanigan or two.)

Timberdash: I don’t remember exactly where I met you, just that I’d known you for a while. Strange, isn’t it? Most of what I remember about you comes from the Cold Cat Wiki--a place you created, based on a small, short idea that I’d had, an idea that I didn’t expect to go far. You saw something that nobody would typically think twice about, and you created entire worlds based on that prospect. That’s true creativity. You’re a wonderful person, Timberdash. You’re wonderful.

Plasma the Hybrid: You’ve been gone for a long, long time, and it’s only recently that you’ve returned, to stop and greet me on my wall. And memories came rushing forth, of a hilarious and creative friend who was always there to yeet a meme at you if you were having a bad day and who wrote stories that she trusted me to read. You left, months ago, slowly withdrawing into the real world and sending me scattered replies on a thread upon your wall that, ever so gradually, receded into nothing. And it’s ironically terrible that I must go when you have only just returned, but just know that I will never forget you, Plasma. I will never forget you.

Lumin the Whisperer: The second roleplay I ever joined was a sprawling story known as Dreamlocked, all the way back in the summer of 2018. How long ago that was; how long ago I met a friendly user named Lumin. Lumin, you’re one of the funniest people that I’ve ever been lucky enough to meet, and you’re clearly going somewhere with how warm and fun to be around you are. This will probably sound a bit cheesy, but you’re like snow on a hot day in the South; amazed and delighted that you’re still lingering around me, happy because I know enjoyable things lay ahead. I know that this is the first time I’ve contacted you in a while, and I’m sorry. But I’ll remember you, I promise.

Majestic Gold: I didn’t know you very well, and not for long. However, from what I can tell, you are kind, you are creative, you saw an opportunity to build something great from a cold and almost dead wiki, and you took it. You have potential to create entire worlds, and I’m sorry I won’t be here to watch it happen. I’m sorry for not getting to know you better. Take care of your wonderful self.

SwallowtailtheHiveSilkWing: Like with Hailrain, I met you in Darkness and Destiny, where we shipped Tembo and Crimson. (About that: I swear I’m gonna get better at writing romance. My friends are helping me.) You were funny, you were kind, you were loyal, and you were one of the most bright, friendly users I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet. I’m sorry that I never wrote that addition to the DaD fanfiction. Perhaps I can make it up to you someday--but, for now? Stay wonderful, Swallowtail.

Butterflydragon666: You have been here, lingering, building, since before I ever picked up my first Wings of Fire book. You have been here, creating, blossoming, and you’ve been here for my entire time on the wiki, even in the first roleplay I ever joined (though I’m not sure if you remember). I never got to know you that well, which I suppose that I kind of regret, though I’m glad that I got to meet you and write, and roleplay, laugh with you for the short time that I did. I’m sorry that I left you hanging so suddenly, and I really feel bad about that, but I’m glad that I was at least able to say goodbye. Farewell, almost-friend. Farewell.

Skyfire111: The year that I first read Wings of Fire, you joined the wiki. I never really got to know you, though I remember all the roleplays--all the stories, all the characters--that you created, that I joined. I think I might’ve also done a wall RP with you, though I’m not sure you remember that, or even me. I simply wanted to say goodbye before I had to go--goodbye to the user with the cool name. Goodbye to the user who made the roleplays that helped me develop a few of my human characters. Goodbye, Skyfire111.

Effietrinkit: I didn’t get to know you all that well, but I just want to apologize for leaving you hanging on Emerald Peak. I needed to take a break, but I should’ve told people where I was going, so that they didn’t worry. From what I can tell, you’re friendly and creative, and definitely somebody worth befriending. (As for what I think might’ve happened with our characters: Hourglass would’ve eventually developed stronger feelings for Summer, and they’d have formed a relationship. As for Ghost, he’d have needed somebody to keep him in check, but he probably wouldn’t hurt anyone. Probably.) Skyla the Skywing: It has been over a year since I last talked to you, but your cheerful demeanor is still fresh in my mind. You were a new thread moderator, and a very talented one at that, too. You had been on the wiki for a long time, and now, you’re even an admin. You deserve it, in all honesty. You’ve been doing a great job, and I’m confident that you’ll do even better in the future.

Toastedkorekiyo: Friendly. Funny. Sweet. Creative. Not afraid to get a little darker, a little deeper. Toastedkorekiyo (Toastedkorekiddo, oof) was all of those things, and I was lucky enough to meet them. Although it’s been awhile since I last spoke to them, they remain one of the most welcoming, kind, and valued people that I have ever met. If you’re reading this right now, kiddo, remember that you’re worth it. Remember that you are destined for great things, that you can create anything, that you have crowds of people rallying behind you (who’d do just about anything for you), that you are amazing and absolutely wonderful.

UltravioletDragon: One of my first friends on the wiki was a kind and sweet user known as Ultraviolet dragon. I sat in awe as they wove intricate stories out of the silver silk known as their style, how I struggled to make an interesting fanon characters for established universes while they could lay out a roadmap of a sprawling fantasy planet without so much as breaking a sweat. They are one of the best writers I’ve ever seen, and I am confident that they have a future. Though it has been a year--perhaps, sadly, longer--since I’ve seen them last, I’m comforted by the warm glow that is their traces on the Authors’ Academy Wiki, which I have only just discovered. You are wonderful, and I’ll look back one day and remember the wonderful user who inspired my current, ever-evolving style.

The random user who clicked on this blog post because they’re wandering around the wiki: Thank you. Thank you for caring, for coming to see me leave as I return to the life that I’ve yearned to have back. Thank you for stopping to say goodbye, even if you didn’t post a comment and just sat there behind your screen, not knowing if it would be okay to say something because you don’t know me that well (it’s okay), because you’re shy (it’s fine, I understand), or because we’ve never met before (in which case, I’m sorry that I never got to know you). Thank you for stopping by.

There are so many users, so many people, that I haven’t named and written about, and I’m so, so sorry. There are so many of you--all of you--that come to mind when I think of how many people have affected me in the best way possible, and that’s truly amazing. I love you guys. Please, don’t forget that.

Maybe, someday, I can return--and I’ll be so happy, and I’ll greet each and every one of you, and we’ll laugh at how overdramatic and cringey this blog post is, and the familiar faces will all be there, and it will be blissfully, wonderfully, just like it used to be.

...but as of now? I can’t trust myself to come back without forming an obsession.

...Please, don’t hate me. I just need my old life back. I want my family. I want my real-life friends. I want my creativity, my freedom, my home. And, ever since November 29, 2019, I’ve slowly been getting it back.

so goodbye, my friends. i’ll miss you.

conclusion
i’ve got to admit that i never understood why people would make blog posts about the fact they were leaving for good. why not talk to your friends a little longer? stay and RP for a bit? why do you have to make us cry? i wanted them to stay so, so badly. i desperately wanted to guilt-trip them, to try something, but of course, my conscious got the better of me, and i told them that they could if they wanted to, that it was their choice. that’s one of the best choices i’ve ever made on this website. because… because, if you’re addicted like i was, you need to realize that this isn’t all there is. please, please, i’m BEGGING you--you need a tether to the real world. you need to realize that digital roleplays that die within three days, that imaginary characters, aren’t all there is. that you could very well lose yourself, and your friends, and your family, in this place, in this white-tinted screen. please, guys. please don’t just sit there and watch the people you love drift away from you, ever so slowly, calling to deaf ears for you to find them, to come back, to not form an obsession. to find that, once you look up from your computer, your tablet, your phone, whatever, you’re looking at strangers. that you don’t know them anymore, that all you know is whether or not your OC Heather Alanza Stone or whoever is a Slytherin or Hufflepuff. gods, everyone. please don’t lose yourself like i did.

and please, don’t misunderstand me. you can have your friends and your stories, and i understand that--you’ve befriended them. they’ve stuck by you through thick and thin, and your characters--your roleplays--can create amazing stories. because you’re not just writing the stories; you, and everyone you roleplay with, are sending your characters epic adventures, passionate romances, depressing tragedies, and it’s all from the comfort of your home. you’re living those tales, and you will never be lonely again, thanks to this place. this wiki. and it’s a wonderful thing, to make friends and create tales of wonder with them; but when it consumes you--when you’re no longer creating stories, but existing as a shell of your former self, trying to live them and failing, falling when you can’t--you need to escape. claw your way out of the void, and please, please, don’t leave the real world. please, don’t ever leave the real world.

because that's exactly what i did. that's exactly why i have to leave and pass my responsibilities on to others who are much more capable.

please, on the AA wiki, let someone else have my discussions mod spot--i trust that whoever you pick to fill my shoes will do even better than i ever could. for the user: i promise that you’ll do well. i believe in you, wholly and truly.

for the Cold Cat wiki, somebody can take my place as admin. my account, like my failed attempt at one before, will grow cold and abandoned, but i believe that whoever replaces me will do amazing. and, please, to the user who takes my place--i promise that you won’t fail. you may think that there’s lots of pressure on you, but it’s not. it’s simply love, and trust, and the fact that they know you can do it. and you can. someone else on the Cold Cat wiki can develop my precious polar bears, snowy owls, and white tigers--you can integrate my concepts for them into their pages, or you can completely redo them. just...please, breathe life into my old pet project. please, prove that we can do anything with our cold characters if we simply put our minds to it. i’m so, so proud of you already. i believe in you.

i’d prefer if you didn’t touch my snow leopards, though it’s ultimately up to you. mirror, bitter, all the characters who didn’t have names yet...i love them. leave their pages or delete them; it doesn’t matter to me, as i’ll use them again in another story someday. another life.

as for the WoF wiki...the place where it all began. you can never understand how much i love you, how much faith i have in you that we can make this a better place. so many users have left because of the toxic cyberbullies and trolls that roam this beautiful place, and i don’t blame them, but… please, just have hope that we can get through this. i love you all so dearly.

goodbye, sweet wiki. my wonderful friends, the people i’ve come to love...i’m so, so sorry. but i had to. i can’t keep living like this.

this is VictoriousQueen88, signing off for the last time.

Vic