Thread:Marrowfrost - Hazelholly/@comment-39024013-20190824045758

Alright, first of all I want you to know I have been very busy, and I have only read the first five chapters, so I’m not judging the entire book overall. So apologies if I get something wrong.

This was a very interesting read. You have written some very strong characters, and have personalities that seem realistic through the situations they have been in. The story is pretty engaging so far, and I adore the setting and the world. The story structure itself is pretty good, but one thing I would like to point out that the first chapter takes place seconds after the prologue. I think you should probably rename it to ‘chapter one’ instead to avoid confusion with your readers. Also, I would like to show you a few sentences which I think could use a few edits:

''From what I could tell, she was dressed in formal attire- she was dressed in a light brown shirt with a black tie over it. ''

Not to sound picky or anything, but I dislike it when writers use the same word twice in a sentence as it sort of breaks the flow. Maybe instead of ‘she was dressed in formal attire-she was dressed in….’ you could write ‘she was dressed in formal attire-Hazel wore…’

'' The man who was laying on the floor stuffing his face looked older than both me and Silverfire, but from what I could tell, the woman is older than him. He had light brown hair that on the right side formed a little spike, which in all honesty, is very cute.''

I didn’t know what to make of this one, but I’m assuming you meant ‘stuffing his face’ as in eating. If that’s the case, you should probably write what he is eating to clarify that a bit.

''“I-I’m-” Violet stuttered as softly as she could. Silverfire didn’t seem to hear her and continued glaring at her, his silver eyes locked in a deep state of anger. This needs to stop, and if Tristan won’t do it, then I will.''

There was nothing to show the audience how Tristan reacted to Silverfire’s statement, so writing ‘if Tristan won’t do it’ feels a bit useless. I suggest replacing that part with something else, or write a sentence before that one showing what Tristan did after Silverfire accused Violet of being a mind reader.

''“Shut up!” She snapped, tugging on Holly’s shirt collar. Holly snickered, while Violet just sighed and let go of her. “I don’t know how I’m putting up with you. Anyways Tristan, I think Silverfire went outside of the dormitory so he might be out there…” I don’t get a choice, do I? “No you don’t. Now go with Twyla and find him for me, okay?” Fine. Twyla sighed dreamily, murmuring something underneath her breath. Why does she have to come too? She’s annoying me! Rather reluctantly, I stomped out the doors to the front school grounds, growling to myself. Why does Violet have to be so demanding at times? Wasn’t she that sweet, shy, and beautiful woman a few minutes ago? It’s probably Holly who ticked her off, at any rate. And now she’s pushing her anger on me, so that’s just great. Now I’ve gotta deal with this nuisance in the meanwhile? Ugh, give me a break''.

I suggest putting more spacing between the different dialogue between different characters. It makes it more readable.

Also, on a side note, the term ‘shoots daggers’ is used a lot. I can’t tell if that’s literal.

But besides that, this is a brilliant story and I look forward to my further readings. 