Thread:RobTheBobert/@comment-39375566-20191205233352/@comment-38303482-20191208234915

Pounding on my door. Screaming, panicking. All I can see is red. Like this intro, though tense is a problem. The bright lights blinded me. When I came to be, I could see I was in a cramped room with my friend as well as paramedics, laying on a gurney. “My friend as well as my paramedics” makes it sound like your friend is paramedics. I know what you mean, but how does the protagonist know they’re paramedics? Straining to sit up to no avail, I turned my head to see two white doors, the windows covered in chain link, almost impossible to see through. I clung onto my teddy bear for dear life, as i[sic] silently cried, wondering where I had gone wrong in my life to end up here. I really enjoyed you “gone wrong” line. A few minutes lather[sic], an older woman in a jade scrub unlocked the door, and then as I was pushed into the building, neither the paramedics or my friend followed. Jade isn’t really an appropriate descriptor here, since it makes things sound majestic or regal. The woman rushed to the door, closing it and locking it before anyone tried to escape. I examined my surroundings, noting the hall which patients in jade shirts and pants wandered around, speaking to themselves. How does the protagonist know there are other people before they see the other patients? Also, the way you describe the hall makes it seem like the protagonist isn’t in it. My surroundings were completely white, with rectangular lights that were capable of blinding one. The nurse warily looked at me, asking if I would cooperate with her to which I responded yes. You used the word “surroundings” again too soon. If the lights are capable of blinding her, and she can see them, then they are blinding her. No “capable” nonsense. The last line is clunky. She began to undo the straps that held me down, and guided me down from the bed, still being rather cautious. I was led into a room with white tile floors, white walls, and a single chair, as well as standard doctor equipment. What is “standard doctor equipment”? My height, as well as weight were taken down, and I started to make my way to the door. The nurse stopped me, informing me that I couldn't go by myself and that she wasn't done yet. This nurse sounds really unthreatening. In a mental health facility such as this, they should have nurses trained in combat or just guards accompanying people. '''All in all, I would continue reading, but mostly only skimming, because of occasional clunkiness. There were some rather excellent one-liners, though. '''