Thread:FunAndGamess/@comment-34158552-20190915145425/@comment-36906991-20191020221257

I just...can't help but hate myself right now I really don't feel like sharing why, but the fact that I have depression probably has something to do with it anyways...

Just today while I was trying to fix myself something to eat, specifically ramen, it poured all over my arms that were not covered with any protection in that moment when I was trying to pour it into a bowl. As you can imagine, it was steaming hot. It really hurt and I ended up not eating because the ramen was dumped in the sink, which had a bunch of other bowls in it, so 1. all of it would be irretrievable to begin with and 2. the other bowls were nasty filled with stuff like unfinished oatmeal (I have wasteful sisters) so I'm not taking my chances with the ramen that fell in there. My dad came upstairs and didn't really care, and he assumed that I wasted the ramen and started badmouthing me for a bit, didn't even bother to ask (for those of you who are suspicious, this is a normal thing for him to do if he isn't screaming at me; I'd get into why I despise his guts now but that's for another day when it's more relevant)

And because I'm too oversensitive and have no actual good coping methods, I grabbed a pair of scissors and you should know what happened next. I don't know what's wrong with me; I keep trying to refrain from it but I can't and my living conditions aren't getting any better. I don't want to get help from any of my therapists. Why? Because they'll just send me to the hospital again and the same cycle will repeat, and my dad will be sad but then he starts with the emotionally manipulative behavior again and even believes "I'm just doing it for attention".

And I don't want to talk to anyone else irl about it because it'll also end up as a trip to the hospital, I'm not stupid. I've literally told those people that I do not feel safe in my house whatsoever. I'm sick of these people guilt tripping me into things I don't want and clearly the only type of abuse is physical abuse according to them (heck I even explicitly stated that I didn't want to go home because of my father's abusive behavior and how I feel around them because of my nb identity. Of course the wise thing to is to send me home anyways and say I'll be fine because I'm 14 so I should be "better and more mature than this").

And no one ever listens to me or sees my decisions as valid, because my dad and one of my doctors refused to listen to me about not wanting to take anti-depressants (they didn't work crap on me anyways) yet my dad forcefully made me take them anyways. He's not doing it now because he either forgot about those pills, or we ran out of them. Not to mention how my mom and dad adamantly refuse to let me stay home from church even though I've made it pretty clear that I don't even listen to the message anyways, that I don't feel safe at our church (they lie about being pro-LGBT. They called transgender people the equivalent of a paper plane wanting to be a coffee mug and basically say that you can "choose" to be gay but you can never be happy and successful like a cishet person). They know all of this but never listen to me. And I hate having to sit through entire 1 hour long messages that go about how I don't deserve to exist since I'm not cishet.

Idk I don't feel safe talking to anyone irl about this and my friends aren't any help either since they will either not listen because I only ever see most of them in lunch and they have closer connections with each other anyways because literally everyone in my school has a phone so almost everyone in each grade knows each other. And then there's me. My friends don't even bother to hang out with me out of school, and when I try, they always have to meet with someone else. So basically you could say that I don't have any real friends who bother to care anymore but I have too high of a social anxiety that it's almost impossible to talk to anyone new (and yes, I'm in a club but even then there's mostly upperclassmen in it anyways).

I don't feel like I deserve to keep living.