Thread:Firefly Writings/@comment-39042010-20190615122205/@comment-39024013-20190616015443

Alright here are my critics:

'It had started about a month ago, when he had been playing marbles in the living room. Eva had been reading on the couch. He had flicked his color-changing marble at the others for the win. Instead, it had careened out of the circle and bonked into Eva’s foot. That wasn’t an annoyance enough to result in a month of shunning, and Eva didn’t even do anything to influence it. She wasn’t telekinetic!'

I'm not sure what 'for the win' means. So maybe fix that?

'His eyes closed, narrowing. His head shook slightly, then nodded. He grinned again, his eyes opening. He let out a long sound. Reeeeeeaaaaaaaaallllllleeeeeeee…aaaaaaannnnnneeee… His voice had a strange note in it, a sound that Eva hadn’t heard in it before. It was strange, and she couldn’t place it. He moaned again, more deeply. Sooorrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeee…muuuuuuussssssttt… haaaaaaafffffff…sheeeeee…caaannnnnt…liiiffffffff. He shook his head slightly again.'

Try using dialogue marks for the noises. Beside those two paragraphs, everything seems good to me. There is strong vocabulary and it's very intense. I look forward to more!