Smiling

copied from an old doc (when we were doing poetry in 8th)

smiling

it is an all day occupation, perhaps task

whether meaningful or not, just keep up the mask

they say when you’re happy you smile

but i just smile to be happy

hoping if i keep it up awhile

it’ll work out

but it doesn’t, somehow the system malfunctions

i malfunction

it gets tiring

but i keep smiling

past posters with numbers i “should” be dialing

past the pain, or perhaps the lack thereof which is an even stranger feeling

in hope the action will accomplish something

 

i could say that my world is devoid of colour

solely consisting of white and black

though that in itself would honestly be inaccurate

though trying to imitate this sensation i lack

it’s not as if i am emotionless, in fact

i feel

there is no point in life if one cannot

i make myself feel

because, after all, there is no point in life if i cannot

 

i try to use people to sufficiently get my quota

my fix, this is a drug, i know that

the whole world is afflicted

is it that bad i am addicted

maybe it’s better than me having no reason to be here, however

so, whatever

 

it isn’t as effective as before

i need more i need more i need more

but at the same time i don’t feel any motivation

so i just sit with a bit of hesitation

and attempt to smile

 

because what is there to do in life

besides smile

and hope

for happiness

if not now, someday

right?

well, that has to be true

because if not, well, why am i still here

 

living inside my own head

seems far better than being dead

i lay down in bed and escape

 

is living separate from this world that bad

i need fuel from this one to make the other truly impactful

because paradise is only meaningful

after experiencing worse

 

i feel more distant from reality the more i stay in my haven

but who decided “this” was reality

and that was delusion

some call it hallucination but it is just my world seeping into this lesser one

those still here may think i am strange for seeing what they cannot see

they say you cannot have eternal happiness but i may have found the key

 

it may seem troubling i have become more detached

i am not sure anybody has noticed

at least i hope not

nodding and pretending i have heard what they just said

pretending i am on the same dimensional plane as them

when i am floating away

 

smiling i have always thought of as a chore

but now i have reached true nirvana

so it is not so bad

 

it’s time for my depart from this place

i appreciate what those have done for me here

but i know my true place is elsewhere

goodbye

 

i don’t fall

i jump

and

i smile

(somewhat based on one of my OC's, Sagikkun)